The term “birthday” took a new meaning this week with my daughter turning one and it brought me memories of that “mother of all” moment called giving birth! Yes birth day probably is more a celebration of that moment of “giving birth” rather than of being born…or atleast for me till such time those “stretch marks” vanishes from my mind!
Customary as it sounds– I did walk down memory lane..thenauseating mornings…the creeping days when I literally pushed a 3kg luggage around…the perennial “ holding on to tummy” gestures.. the multiple entry and exit into scanning centers…and the final run up to the mega day of my tryst with motherhood!And lo and behold.. the miracle moment when another heart beat emanated from me!
My thoughts then moved towards the dramatic transformation to the terms “family”, “we”, “me”, “dependent”, “status” and coming to terms with those earth shattering changes! The lingering presence of the so-called “baby smell” that invaded our home..of wet diapers, of baby cream, of milk, of fresh out of shower baby skin! A tiny little being who graduated physically from staring to turning to crawling to “almost standing” andemotionally from smiling to recognizing to responding! And that growth is too quick..too aggressive and too difficult to cope with!
It is but a small milestone in the overall engagement with bringing up a daughter but a look back at “me” and I realize that after all the twists and turns..it took a year to settle down to the term “Nanda’s mother”, a year to naturally add a “kid” to my family status, a year to mechanically clean the mess created by a baby, a year to accept a few sleepless nights and a few “cold dinners” as a part of “normalcy”!
But a year past and I confess not fitting into the “mould of greatmothers”..I confess that I feel relieved when I read a book away from baby cries and sounds… I confess that I love stepping out and letting my hair down with friends…free of baby and associated baggage… … I confess I want to make my way back into the cut throat career battles of life..I confess that sometimes my thoughts are just “me”, “mine” and “me only”..I guess it takes many a year to get to the next milestone of “selfless mom”! And I guess maybe I don't want to get there.,,,,, I am sort of at peace with the “demi-mom” status!
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